Being Asexual
As someone who is generally recognized as an incarnated god (for want of a better word), being human is not something I’m all that good at. I thought, though, I would write some entries on what it is like for me, and also what I’ve learned. This entry, I look at sex and if I am asexual.
Sex Drive
I’ve never had much interest in seeking out partners and having sex with them.
For many, sex is a driving force that creates relationships and is also a vital need. For me, it never has been.
I noticed that, once I had gotten past my shift into puberty, my sex drive appeared to diminish and by the time I was around age twenty, it was not really a primary factor when seeking a partner.
Even though I couldn’t put it into words at the time, only certain types would draw my attention. I also could appreciate the beauty of someone without wanting to jump into bed with them. In fact, that rarely was on my mind.
Issues
In the relationships I’ve had, sex was never a driving motivation. The very thought of it would stress me out and would often invoke a sense of panic and depression.
The problem here was that my partners did not believe me. My ex-wife assumed it was something physical. Even though I visited doctors to try and get it resolved, I knew, deep down, that the real problem was something different.
My second-long term relationship suffered from similar issues. I just had little to no interest in sex. In fact, the thought of it would generally repel me. Not because there was anything wrong with her, but energetically, it just didn’t work for me. I couldn’t connect or feel it on a sexual level.
No doubt, there are many who would find this amusing. But believe me, it’s anything but.
Want versus Need
Try as I might, I could never explain what I was feeling and why.
It wasn’t until around 2017 that I suddenly realized that I might be asexual.
I did not need sex in my life. I could go without it for months, years even, if needed.
As stated, it was never a driving force.
That’s not to say I don’t enjoy sex. It’s more a matter of want versus need. Desire versus going through the motions.
Energy
But am I really asexual?
This is a question that I do not have a clear answer to.
I believe the answer is yes… and no.
Even as a male, it’s not the physical that draws me to a person. It’s their energy.
Energy is also the reason I feel repelled by people.
Even though I have always been able to do this, it only dawned on me, in recent years, that I can smell energy.
I don’t even have to be in the same room to do it. Even looking at a photo or talking to someone online will allow me to sense them.
The Smells
I used to exchange notes with Omen and discover that we both smelt the exact same thing.
Some people smelt like a public urinal, while others smelt enticing. Most didn’t have any smell, or rather, they would just smell ordinary.
And some would just stink.
The energy of such people would also transfer to their work, such as art or even animation. I can pick up the stink of people who have either touched an object or created it.
Generally, most people repel me with their energy.
It’s an absolute turn off. It is certainly one of the factors that make me feel like I’m asexual.
Fae
You may be thinking that if I find some energies repellent, what ones would I find attractive?
The answer to that, is Fae.
For anyone who knows me, they will most likely also know that Fae is the flipside of the Phoenix energy.
Fae is a generic term for nature spirit, though technically they are also their own thing.
To me, they are amazing and beautiful.
My so-called sister / wife, the goddess NUT, is Fae.
Whenever I come across one of her avatars, I will feel that energetic attraction like the ends of two magnets pulling towards each other.
For me, Fae are extremely hard to resist. Ironically, they rarely take any notice of me, though.
Fae, ironically, do need sex. They are akin to a succubus, as in they can really drain you of your sexual energy.
No Gender
One of the interesting things people have noted about me is that I don’t seem to radiate any sexual energy.
In fact, Omen once commented, about a year before we began really speaking: …your energy isn’t my fancy and from what I can tell you have no gender. lol.
If you had a gender, I might tag you for later, but eh, again with the energy…just doesn’t mix well.
Phoenix energy, by its very nature, is said to be yin or feminine.
For that reason, I choose male bodies as it helps balance out the energies. And while my essence, in my Lightbody is certainly male, it’s not what most would consider manly.
Having said that, I could wipe the floor with most males, in my Phoenix form.
Technically, I am a perfect balance of male and female energies. This might contribute to being asexual and not needing sex.
In Conclusion
I know this isn’t unique to me. I’ve spoken to a few who feel the same way about sex and come across as asexual. Mostly women, but for them, it’s all about the energy connection, and they can take it or leave it.
Some beings, such as Incubi and Succubi (sex demons) must feed off sexual energy. But this does not apply to everyone. Some of us just don’t need it.
While the popular perception is that if you don’t want, enjoy or need sex, there is something wrong with you, I don’t believe that is necessarily the case.
It might be something as simple as you needing the right energy from the right partner.
In any case, I share my personal experiences as I know I am not alone, and it might help others to know that they may not be broken after all… just different.